


Teen Idle

by thatoneinsecurenerd



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Disowning, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, M/M, Not Beta Read, References to Depression, Religious commentary, Swearing, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Teacher Thomas Sanders, blood mention, consent talk, just the f-slur but i censored it because discomfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:22:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25296865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatoneinsecurenerd/pseuds/thatoneinsecurenerd
Summary: As you can probably tell from the title, this work was inspired by the song Teen Idle by Marina and the Diamonds. Specifically:"Instead of being sixteen and burning up a bible/Feeling super, super, super suicidal"**There are no mentions/references of suicide in this fic, though, I swear.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this about a month ago to pull me out of a depressive writing slump, and I really liked it then and after re-reading it today, I still really like it. I just know I was iffy on posting it because in this AU, Remus and Roman are twins and Janus and Logan are adoptive brothers, which is a little iffy, but maybe not? So if that's gonna squick you out, you should just turn around.
> 
> **Please let me know if there's anything else I should tag!
> 
> (Catch me posting this in one go so I don't get anxious and back out.)

At sixteen years old, no one was expected to have their whole life figured out. While Logan Lehrer certainly did, the same could not be said for Roman Reyes. 

Logan knew what classes he needed to take in high school, in order to obtain his Masters in Astronomy at his dream school. He knew what SAT and ACT scores he needed to be accepted there. He worked part-time in the local library to save up for college, knowing he would have to move away from home and into the college’s dorms. He factored in as much as he could, including his parents, his friends, losing his job, the apocalypse (thanks, Roman), and so on. 

Roman, on the other hand, just tried to get through each day as it came. He had a general idea of what would happen, of course. He woke up at the same time for school Monday through Friday. Logan’s older brother (two years older, a senior at their high school), Janus, came to pick him and his own brother, Remus, up at the same time. Roman and Logan would meet their other friends, Virgil Black and Patton Hart, and Remus and Janus would disappear somewhere to do whatever it was they got up to in their spare time (Roman didn’t want to know. And if he ever _was_ curious, he knew for sure he didn’t want to hear it from Remus, who would spare him absolutely _no_ details). 

Classes were the same order and the same time every day, of course. Lunch was always the same. The four friends sat at their same table out in the courtyard (or, when it was rainy or windy, they would sit in Mr. Thomas Sanders’ (“Please don’t call me Thomas, Roman. Even if the four of you _are_ my favorite students.”) English class. Though he had lunch when they did, so more often than not, he was grading papers and paying them no mind. However, when Roman needed someone to run lines for the school play with, Mr. Sanders was always there). 

Roman (and Remus, of course) would hitch a ride from Janus back home, and they’d drop Logan off at the library on the way. The brothers would be home on their own for a couple hours, in which they would poke fun at each other while completing their homework and their daily chores. Then their parents would arrive, and another hour later, dinner would be served. 

Then Roman had time to himself before bed. And he went to sleep at the same time every night. 

It was his routine, and he enjoyed it. Of course, there were days when it changed: holidays, Hell Week for the school production, and so on. But nothing that wasn’t also a routine of its own. 

He lived in the moment, not in the future, like Logan, or in the past, like Patton and Virgil. And yet, at sixteen years old, sometimes one can’t help but believe that the past or the future is the better place to be. 

Roman was a firm believer in expressing himself. He would burst out into song at the most inappropriate times, if he was suddenly inspired to do so. He playfully flirted with his friends, expressing his love for them in one of the only ways he knew how (the other being copious amounts of affection, which was only for between him and Patton, because neither Logan nor Virgil were comfortable with the touching. Logan just wasn’t very affectionate. And the tight and close proximity of hugs or the shock of out-of-nowhere touches made Virgil extremely anxious). 

But some people didn’t like Roman, and he knew it. Sure, he was most often the lead in the school’s plays and he was intelligent, thanks to Logan’s tutoring for as long as they’d been in school, so it could be attributed to jealousy. And yet, Roman wasn’t always so sure. 

Sometimes, he couldn’t convince himself that the glares some of his co-stars shot his way were because they were jealous of his acting chops, and not because they thought he was inferior and in no way fit to represent their department as the lead. He sometimes had a hard time convincing himself that Virgil hung out on the fringes of their group because he was too anxious to let his guard down, to get close to them, and risk getting hurt again, and not because Virgil secretly hated him (and sometimes, that was easy to believe, with their back-and-forth friendly teasing and sarcasm that, once, hadn’t actually been friendly). 

Sometimes, he couldn’t convince himself that Logan, his wonderful (albeit secret) boyfriend of one year, four months, eight days, and counting, actually loved him. That Logan wasn’t affectionate because he wasn’t fond of affection with anyone, and unfortunately, that extended to his boyfriend as well. That Logan was in love with him when he never said it (though he always showed it, Roman knew, helping him with homework before he even knew he’d get stuck, cheering the loudest at Roman’s shows, every night (though he’d deny it if asked)…). 

Sometimes, it was so hard for Roman to convince himself that he was happy with his life. He loved his friends, of course. He loved theatre, of course. But sometimes, he had this feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop, which he knew Virgil was intimately familiar with. 

Roman worried that Logan would dump him, tired of keeping their relationship hidden from everyone except for their four friends (and Janus and Remus, who had caught on and taken a blood oath to secrecy that Roman hadn’t witnessed because he knew they’d actually take a blade to their skin (though they showed him the scars later, and Remus had collected his in a small vial, for Roman to keep, if he so wished. He didn’t)). Roman worried that if Logan dumped him, Patton would take Logan’s side. The two weren’t very alike, but the phrase _was_ “opposites attract.” And wherever Patton went, Virgil would follow, because Virgil trusted Patton with his life. 

But out of all the things he’d had a hard time convincing himself he’d never lose, he never thought he’d lose his brother. 

It had been a day like any other, except Roman had accompanied Logan at the library, because Remus and Janus had wanted the Reyes’ house to themselves. Roman didn’t ask. He was sure he didn’t want to know. He didn’t mind shadowing his boyfriend and singing under his breath (only on occasion, because he knew it was a quick way to get his boyfriend’s attention: a small smile, a fond but exasperated look in his beautiful brown eyes that Roman could wax poetic about, and a soft, “Please be quiet, Roman, we’re in the library”). 

Roman had only found out what exactly had happened when he’d stepped into his house that evening. He and Logan had walked home together after Logan’s shift. Roman was the first stop, and the two boys held hands for a moment, exchanging the series of taps on each other’s wrists that they knew meant “I love you.” He trusted that Logan would let him know when he got home. That was one thing he never worried about. He knew Logan could care for himself. He didn’t need a handsome prince to protect him, even if Roman _did_ enjoy playing the prince. 

Anyway, the lovebirds said goodbye, and Roman stepped inside his house to shouting. He almost turned and walked back out, but then he saw Remus and Janus on the couch in disheveled states, helpless and destroyed looks in their eyes. It was Roman’s parents who were shouting. Standing in front of the TV, though Roman was sure that they had only moved when they’d heard his key in the lock. He could only imagine what his parents had walked in on, after hearing what his parents were yelling. 

“What makes you think this is okay?” 

“You’re _sixteen_ years old, Remus!” 

“And with a _guy_ , no less!” This is why Roman was so careful to keep his relationship a secret. _How far had Remus and Janus_ – definitely the kissing and groping (though the latter was mostly Remus, but Janus didn’t seem to mind) types – _gone that afternoon on the living room couch?_

“How long has this been going on?” 

“We’re not okay with this, Remus.” And finally, Remus had seemed to have enough. He snapped. 

“Shut the fuck up!” he yelled at his parents. Janus flinched, and Remus pulled him tight against his chest, rubbing his hair in a gesture that was soft and calm. It was a bit surprising considering it was _Remus_ performing the action. “I’m sixteen, sure, but I can make my own damn decisions. I decided to enter a relationship with Janus, because I’m in love with him. That was out of my control, sure, but it’s true. _I love him_.” He pressed a kiss to his boyfriend’s silky brown hair (his trademark bowler hat having been removed and set on the coffee table very soon after their arrival that afternoon). “And you can’t make me stop. 

“Your homophobic slurs and yelling and scaring my boyfriend to tears won’t change that. I’m not going to stop dating him to keep you happy. I was never the favorite child, anyway, so if you want to disown me for being gay as a fucking rainbow, fine. Go ahead. I don’t give a fuck. I’ll find somewhere else to go.” 

“You have no right to speak to us that way, Remus.” 

“If you want to be disowned, fine. Consider it done. Go live with your f****t boyfriend and his undoubtedly f****t brother, and pray to God that you didn’t let the contagion into this house.” 

Remus and Roman exchanged a quick look, unnoticed by their parents. They hadn’t believed in their parents’ God for a long time, now. Not since accepting their homosexuality and the fact that the God their parents believed in would send them both to Hell when they passed on. 

But in that look, Remus told Roman that he wouldn’t out him. He would leave their house and let Roman continue to be the favorite child. Now, the _only_ child. But they would still be brothers by blood and friends as much as brothers were, and they’d still carry Roman’s secret with them to their graves. 

Roman’s look at Remus was one of worry. _Where will you go? Do Jay’s parents know? Will you be okay? What can I do to help you now?_

“Oh, Roman,” his mother suddenly said. “I’m sorry you had to see all that. Don’t worry, he’ll be gone in a minute.” Remus took that as his cue to get up, still holding onto Janus. The two went into Remus’ room, so Remus could pack his belongings. Anything he wanted to keep. He wouldn’t have a chance to come back and grab anything, after all. 

“I really do hope you haven’t caught it,” his mother continued, approaching her son and wrapping him in a hug. “You’ve been riding with them and his brother since you started high school.” 

“You’ll have to stop that,” Roman’s father added. “And you should stop hanging out with that brother.” Roman pulled away from his mother’s embrace. 

“I...” Roman began, needing to force himself to choke out the next series of words, “can understand your concern. However,” he continued, a little more of his usual, confident self, “I can’t just abandon my friend with no explanation. And if I were to abandon him, I’d have to abandon all my other friends, too. It would be social suicide. You have to understand that I can’t do that.” 

“You don’t have a choice.” Roman’s father’s voice was firm. 

“And what if I don’t?” 

“Do you really want to test us right now, Roman? Look where that got Remus.” 

“Maybe he’s right,” Roman’s mother pitched in. “If he’s got no other friends, he might not be happy to abandon these ones.” 

“But if they’re all... gay... what does that say about our son?” 

“That he’s not a bigoted asshole,” Remus piped up angrily, walking through the living room with Janus, two suitcases, and their backpacks. “If I forgot anything,” Remus said, hand on the doorknob, “I’ll text you, alright, Ro? And you can bring it to me at school.” 

“You’ll do no such thing!” Roman’s father exclaimed, though Roman had already given a small nod. Remus and Janus walked out of the house for the last time. But unfortunately, Roman’s confrontation with his parents wasn’t over yet. “Give me your phone,” Roman’s father had demanded his son. 

“I can’t. I can’t let you erase every aspect of my social life. Plus, if you think Pat will just let me walk off with no explanation, you’re mistaken,” Roman countered. 

“Then we’ll send you away.” 

“To where? Gay conversion therapy? That’s illegal in the United States.” 

“Gay conversion therapy?” Roman’s mother asked worriedly. 

“After all, if you’re so worried I’ve ‘caught the gay-’” Roman’s voice was mocking, “then what better way to make sure I’m not also ‘gay as a fucking rainbow?’” Roman used his brother’s words, though not mocking, this time. It was his own rebellion against his parents and their homophobia. 

“Watch your mouth.” 

“Or what? You’ll disown _me_ , too?” Roman’s father’s face was red, his fists clenched at his sides. Roman’s own fists were clenched at his sides, shaking. “Why not just do it, anyway, if you’re so worried I’ve ‘caught the gay’? Then you won’t have a gay kid at all. One down, one more to go, right?” Roman froze. _Oh shit._ He’d just outed himself. _But maybe they wouldn’t notice?_ It was worded in a way that it might not be obvious. 

“If you’re gay, too, you better tell me right now.” 

“So I can be disowned, too? If you really want to toss out your children so easily, then Remus was right that you’re just a bigoted asshole. And _mamá_ , of course, would never stand up to you. But fine.” Roman’s took a deep breath, clenching his fists so hard that his knuckles turned white. He took another deep breath, and it shook. 

“I’m gay,” he admitted to them. Well, he supposed there were worse ways to come out. He’d already known his parents were homophobic, but at least he didn’t have to go through what Remus just had. “And I don’t care if you disown me or if your God sends me to Hell. It’s true. I’m gay. And I have a boyfriend, too. Janus’ brother, Logan. Which, okay, might be a _little_ weird, but Janus is adopted so it’s not really? It doesn’t matter. I’ll be out of here in a few minutes.” Roman walked off, avoiding his parents’ eyes. He didn’t want to see their expressions. He already knew his father was pissed enough to punch a wall and that his mother was sad that it had come to this: losing both of her sons. But she loved her husband and didn’t dare go against his wishes. She went to church and loved her God, and if He said homosexuality was a sin, she would listen and believe. 

Roman texted Logan and Janus, to explain what he’d just done. To ask if their parents had room for one more disaster gay, assuming Remus had been allowed to stay. He texted Patton and Virgil, both, just in case he needed to stay with one of them. He knew Patton and his mothers would open their arms to him and accept him as a part of their family. 

Roman’s phone pinged with a text almost immediately. 

**_Jay🐍:_** _I’ll be there in a few. If you’re okay sleeping on Logan’s floor, you can stay with us. Mom was fine with it._

Then another. 

**_Lo💙:_** _I think I can make an exception for cuddles, if you find them to be necessary upon your arrival. You and Pat have shown that, sometimes, they are the only cure for the sadness which you are likely experiencing right now._

And another. 

**_Pat🍪:_** _My home is always open for you. Just let me know if_ _Lo’s_ _parents can’t house you and your brother anymore. I’ll bring you a batch of cookies to school tomorrow. Love you!_

And one last one. 

**_Twin😈:_** _Welcome to the disowned disaster gays club, bro-bro. Population you and me, and hopefully no one else we know._

And for whatever reason, Remus’ message brought a small smile to Roman’s face. Maybe it was his joking tone. Or the fact that while he may have lost his parents, he hadn’t lost his other half. 

Roman walked out of his house with two suitcases and two backpacks, still ignoring his parents. He climbed into Janus’ car, bound for his new home and (hopefully) (for what would probably be the first and last time) the comfort of his boyfriend’s arms around him. 

*** 

Roman woke up to what he assumed was his alarm the next morning, except it didn’t sound like the song he’d it set to. Not to mention, it felt way earlier than he usually woke up. He was disoriented for a moment, not recognizing the dark blue ceiling above his head or the scratchy texture of the old carpet beneath the blanket he’d wrapped himself up in, the night before, to minimize his discomfort. His hand was outside of his blanket cocoon, braving the cool air. 

Roman looked around the room. There was the door not far from his feet. A bed with black bedsheets and a fluffy white blanket half-hanging off the side, on the other side of his hand. Beyond the bed was a white bookshelf, absolutely crowded with books of all sizes: tall books, thick books, paperback, hardback... 

Roman knew for certain he wasn’t in his room, but if the color scheme of the room wasn’t any indication, he only knew one person who could have possibly owned that many books. And then the owner of said books spoke. “Are you awake, Roman?” Logan asked softly. Roman looked up at his boyfriend, who still lay in his bed, his own hand reaching towards the ground. Perhaps, last night, they’d fallen asleep holding hands. 

“‘M awake,” he replied groggily, reaching up for Logan’s hand. Logan gave him a small, fond smile. “Time is it?” 

“It’s six-thirty. I set my alarm for the same time every morning to assure that I maintain the proper circadian rhythm. However, I may have to ease myself into an alteration, since we no longer have any need to pick yourself or your brother up from your house.” Roman’s heart ached. If he’d forgotten, in his sleepy state, what exactly he was doing at Logan’s house, he certainly remembered now. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you, Sunshine,” Logan said. He must have noticed the pain that flickered across his boyfriend’s face. He could deny being attuned to his own emotions, but he, for certain, could read the emotions of those close to him. “Come here.” Logan pulled his hand from Roman’s grasp to move over on his bed and pat the space next to him with the hand Roman had just held. Roman gave him a questioning look. 

“Cuddles?” Logan proposed, since Roman seemed to need a verbal cue, as well. 

“Are you sure you’re comfortable with that?” Roman responded, already squirming his way out of his blanket cocoon. 

“As long as they help you to feel better, I can see the merit in them.” 

“But how do they make _you_ feel?” Roman climbed into bed with Logan, anyway, who pulled him close to his chest. Roman felt tears pricking at his eyes, a ball forming in the back of his throat. 

“I...” Logan began. He was silent for a moment. Roman assumed he was trying to find the right words. “I want to see you happy.” 

“That still doesn’t answer the question.” 

“You know I’m not very good with talking about my feelings.” 

“Of course, Lo. I just thought you might’ve had a better idea. After all, you’ve proposed cuddles twice now, when you never have before.” 

“I’d do anything to keep you happy.” 

“I know.” Roman licked his lips. He ached to kiss Logan’s, but Logan wouldn’t be comfortable with that, he knew. Even if his boyfriend was warming up to the idea of cuddles for his benefit, he wouldn’t push his boyfriend on the affection front. If Logan never kissed him, he’d survive, because he loved Logan. It was easy to admit that to himself. He hadn’t been lying to his parents when he said it. But he hadn’t yet said it to Logan. 

They had to take things pretty slow, since they had to warm Logan up to being in a relationship, to affection, to opening up about how he felt - because some part of him had to know, even if it only had a vague sense of it. But Roman didn’t mind. He would do anything for the one he loved. That's what being in love was, he knew. He knew Logan was in love with him. As long as Logan needed to wait to come to terms with how he felt and to be able to say the words aloud, they would have their series of wrist taps and their warm gestures that said all the words neither of them could. 

Case in point, Logan running his fingers through Roman’s dark, curly hair, teasing out any of the tangles, but also calming Roman as he cried. Because of course Roman was crying. For about five minutes, he’d lost his brother. Within about five more minutes, he’d lost his parents, their love, and the life he had always known. 

Roman held Logan tightly, soaking his silk pajama shirt with tears. He tapped their “I love you” pattern on Logan’s back, but it was slow. Broken, like Roman surely was. Logan reciprocated the taps on the top of Roman’s head. 

Eventually, Logan had to ease Roman out of his shoulder. They met each other’s eyes: Roman’s red-rimmed and still freeing tears to cascade down his cheeks, and Logan’s a dimmer shade of blue, concerned, sad for his boyfriend. Logan took his boyfriend’s chin in one hand, long, piano-playing fingers reaching up to stroke his cheek and wipe away some of the tears streaking down his face. 

He tapped a longer pattern against Roman’s skin that Roman was unfamiliar with it. Roman didn't have the voice to ask. He gave Logan another questioning look. “Morse code,” Logan explained, as if Roman wasn’t familiar with how _their_ series of taps was Morse code for I-L-Y. _I love you._

“But what does it mean?” Roman asked, finding his voice. But it was scratchy. Logan reached behind Roman’s head to grab the glass of water he kept on his bedside table, in case he woke up parched in the middle of the night. Logan gently handed his boyfriend the glass. Roman took a sip of the water, not wondering how long the same glass had been sitting there (of course Logan refilled it before bed every night, and of course he washed the cup out before he did. He wasn’t disgusting) and not caring about how it was lukewarm and therefore lacking in flavor. 

Roman drank half the glass before handing it back to Logan and clearing his throat. While Logan set the glass back down on his bedside table, Roman wiped the remaining tears from his eyes and face. 

“Four letters,” Logan finally told Roman. 

“Please don’t tell me we’re playing charades for this,” Roman responded with a sigh. Logan smiled fondly. 

“I don’t think we’d have time for charades, Sunshine. We’ll have to get up soon. But I don’t quite know if I’m ready to say the word aloud. 

“Is it love?” Logan shook his head. “Mine?” Again, Logan shook his head. 

“Are you going to guess all morning?” Logan asked, biting back a laugh but not his wider smile. 

“I can.” 

“We can’t get ready in the same room. You’ll have to change in the restroom.” 

“All the more time for me to think up more four-letter words. I’ll figure it out by the end of today, I know it.” 

“If you say so, Sunshine.” Logan tapped the same four-letter pattern against Roman’s skin. Then the pattern that Roman knew meant “I love you.” “Now, come on. We should get ready.” Roman nodded, but he made no move to leave Logan’s arms. “Roman.” Logan’s voice was a little more firm, but still with a smile. Roman nodded again, this time crawling out of the comfort of Logan’s warm arms and bed. 

“Go change in the bathroom, if it’s open, then come to the dining room for breakfast,” Logan told him. Roman gave another nod. He walked over to Logan’s closet, Logan following behind him, where they’d already hung up most of Roman’s clothes with spare hangers Logan had had. 

Logan wore a black, white, and blue color scheme which reflected the color scheme of his room, and Roman wore a red, white, and gold color scheme that reflected the color scheme his old room. The change of colors within the closet was enough of a divider between their clothes. 

Both boys pulled a pair of jeans (Logan’s black and Roman’s red) and a shirt (Logan’s a black button up and Roman’s an over-sized white T-shirt). Roman also grabbed his white sneakers and red hoodie before tapping one last message on the skin of his boyfriend’s wrist and slipping out of the bedroom. 

He walked to the bathroom and knocked on the door. “I’ll be out in a minute!” Remus called out. 

“It’s just me,” Roman responded. 

“Give me a minute, then.” Roman faintly heard the sounds of plastic bottles clattering to the floor. His brother was a bit clumsy, so he was probably just pulling on an article of clothing so he was decent before opening the door for him, taking a precaution in case any of the Lehrers walked by. Then the door was opened, and Roman slipped inside. 

The brothers didn’t talk as they changed, the weight of everything that had happened the day before hanging heavily over their heads. Roman opened his mouth a few times to try to find something kind to say to his brother, or maybe an apology, or maybe to ask what exactly their parents had seen, but he shut his mouth each time. But Remus must have noticed. 

“What?” he snapped as he slid a stick of deodorant that Roman knew for sure wasn’t his brother’s over his forehead. 

“First of all,” Roman began, “whose is that?” 

“Does it matter? Smells like flowers.” 

“Why are you sliding it across your forehead?” 

“To make my sweat smell good,” Remus said, as if there was no other possible explanation for his behavior. 

“Even though it’s not yours?” 

“Janny-Jan doesn’t have to smell my armpits. He does, however, have to smell my forehead, so I figure I should make it pleasurable for him.” 

“What if that’s his?” 

“It’s not. I’d recognize his scent from fifty miles away. Though I suppose you can’t say the same for you and Logan’s.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“He’s not exactly affection central, now is he? How do you deal with it? Aren’t you touch-starved and desperate for affection?” 

“I love him. I’m not going to push him to do anything he’s not ready to.” Remus sighed. He knew his brother was right in that regard, of course. And anyway, they’d both finished getting ready. Any of Roman’s previous questions had slipped the boy’s mind, it seemed. 

They left the bathroom together, meeting the Lehrers in the dining room for a homemade breakfast, something foreign to them, since their parents (only by blood, now) were always rushing to get out of the house for work. The boys sat next to their respective boyfriends, and Roman got a little teary-eyed at the chocolate chip smile melted into the top pancake of his stack. 

Logan took his hand under the table, as if somehow knowing this. They tapped their “I love you” message, and Logan tapped his new one, which Roman still had yet to figure out. Mr. and Mrs. Lehrer tried to make conversation, but neither Remus nor Roman were very much in the mood to pretend to be happy after their worlds had completely crumbled around them only hours before, and Janus and Logan could only give half-hearted responses, as they looked out for their boyfriends’ well-beings. 

Surely the elder Lehrers must have known how their sons felt about the other boys? And yet, they didn’t seem to mind it. If they did, they didn’t remark on it. They chose any other topic of conversation, which could be interpreted in either way. 

Roman was in no mood to analyze it. He was barely in a mood to eat the three pancakes on his plate. He was barely in a mood to go to school. Logan’s hand was the only thing keeping him tethered to reality instead of the darkness of his head. 

And yet, the darkness had a hold. Roman felt depressed, as if his parents had died, which he felt was much more extreme than being disowned. But he also knew that the two could surely be equated. After all, he was dead to his parents, now, so what’s to say that they shouldn’t also be considered dead to him? 

He pushed his pancakes on his plate, only able to eat a couple bites, despite his boyfriend’s insistence that he needed to eat more. His boyfriend’s voice sounded far away. Even if Roman wasn’t lost in his mind, he certainly was on his way there. 

He briefly considered asking if he could stay home, but he knew Logan would want him to prioritize his academics. And he didn’t want to disappoint his boyfriend. So when they all got up to leave, Roman dutifully followed his boyfriend, his brother, and his brother’s boyfriend out to the car. 

Roman and Logan sat in the back of Janus’ car, holding hands. Roman rested his head on his other hand, staring out the window. He was, arguably, lost in his mind, losing himself more with each passing street. 

He jumped when Logan tapped his shoulder, telling him they’d arrived. Logan’s hand rose up and wiped away the tears from Roman’s eyes and cheeks. _When had he started crying_ _?_

“Maybe he shouldn’t have come to school today,” Janus whispered to Logan, all four of them walking onto the school grounds together. The Reyeses held onto their boyfriends like they were their lifelines. Roman didn’t look very well put together, and Remus was only holding up a little bit better. It was too much effort to don a happy mask so soon. 

“Maybe they _both_ should have stayed home,” Janus continued, after shooting his boyfriend a soft, worried look. Both of the Reyes brothers seemed to be in a daze, lost in their heads, not entirely in this world of reality. 

“I can drive them back, if you can get them their schoolwork,” Janus added. Logan hadn’t said anything in response to his statements yet. Janus knew his brother. He knew that Logan was the type to prioritize academic success over mental health. Logan had spiraled before because of this. Janus had learned that he needed to watch out for his brother’s mental health, on top of watching out for his own. When Janus gained a boyfriend, he had to learn to watch out for his boyfriend’s mental health (though before today, Remus had always been fine. He wasn’t afraid to let his grades suffer). And now, adding Roman to the mix, he had a full-fledged family to look out for. 

He didn’t yet know how Roman treated his mental health versus his academics, but he was sure that Roman was just as prone to overworking as Logan was – since Roman, twice a year, had to juggle theatre and academics, and he seemed to stay pretty high up in the class rankings. But also, he was clearly prioritizing his academics over his mental health right now. He was completely and utterly destroyed, Janus knew, and yet, he’d allowed himself to be dragged to school. 

“I’m taking Roman home,” Janus finally told Logan. Logan still hadn’t said anything. And at some point, the group of four had reached Patton and Virgil, and Patton pulled Roman into a hug that could’ve crushed his lungs, if Roman’s heart and soul didn’t already feel like they were dragging him down to Hell, where his parents thought he belonged. “I think he’d appreciate your company.” 

“What about Remus?” Logan finally asked, looking over to where Patton had pulled Remus into his bone-crushing hug, as well. 

“I’ll be quick. And he’s in good hands with Patton. I trust him.” 

“I should stay here to get Roman’s schoolwork.” 

“He shouldn’t be left on his own, I think. I shouldn’t know your boyfriend better than you.” 

“What about my own grades?” 

“Sometimes, you have to put other people first. It’s the right thing to do,” Janus told Logan, in a way that sounded quite reminiscent of Patton. Logan sighed. His mind was spinning. 

It shouldn’t have been a hard decision. _Between academics and the love of his life, surely the love of his life would win, right?_ And yet, Logan didn’t know how much a day off to care for his boyfriend would set him behind on his schedule for the future. He loved his boyfriend, of course, but if he strived for a successful future, it would benefit his boyfriend, too. 

But if he left his boyfriend alone, what would he think? Would Roman still want to be with him if he left him on his own? Would Roman fall out of love with him because he thought Logan had, because Logan had seemed self _ish_ instead of self _less_? Would they have a future if Logan didn’t do this one thing now, thinking they would both benefit from it later on? 

“I’m leaving,” Janus said, interrupting Logan’s thoughts. Logan sighed, his own heart heavy, his mind a jumbled mess. He hadn’t reached a conclusion. This was Janus giving him one last chance to make up his mind, but Logan couldn’t see a clear answer to his problem. He wished he was able to see what the consequences of either action would be, but he knew that’s not how life worked. And he knew that if he made a mistake right now, with whichever choice he made, he’d have to live with it for the rest of his life. 

Janus had grabbed Roman by the arm, gently tugging him out of Patton’s hug. He gave Remus a quick kiss before walking away again, assuring his boyfriend he’d come back as soon as possible. “This is your last chance, Logan,” Janus told him with a hint of a bite to his tone. A voice that told Logan that if he fucked up now, Janus might not be able to forgive him, even if Roman did. 

“I...” Logan stammered, looking at the tear tracks on his boyfriend’s face and the utter pain in his dazed eyes. “I have to stay,” Logan said with more confidence than he felt. Janus gave him a withering look that told him he’d made the wrong decision, but before Logan could change his mind, Janus had walked off, gently guiding Roman along. 

*** 

Roman wasn’t aware of much happening in the real world, but he was suddenly aware of being back at Janus and Logan’s. He was being gently pushed onto the couch, and the TV flared to life. Janus pressed Roman’s cell phone into his hand. “Call me or Logan if you need anything, okay?” Janus told him, though it sounded like a question. Roman nodded, still a bit out of it. 

But Janus’ words had struck a chord in him. He still had the dazed look in his eyes, but his heart became heavier as he became aware of the absence of his boyfriend. He didn’t believe his boyfriend would leave him be when he was so clearly fucked up, but Roman stretched both of his arms out on the couch and felt no hand grab his. He felt no series of taps on his wrist. 

Roman looked up at Janus, more tears welling in his eyes. Janus had already walked to the front door, but he was watching Roman, gauging his reaction, checking if he would have to stay with him, since Logan clearly wasn’t going to. If Janus had to, he knew he would, but he would have to leave him for long enough to go back and grab Remus, too. 

Roman looked so badly like he needed someone. He needed his boyfriend. He needed physical comfort. He needed love. He needed a helping hand to lead him out of the maze that was his grief and his negative thoughts and back into the real world. 

“I’ll be back in a few minutes, okay, Roman?” Janus said, again gauging Roman’s reaction. The boy said nothing. “I’ll just go grab Remus and bring him back here, and we can all have a Disney marathon or something, okay?” Roman still said nothing. 

Janus put his hand on the knob and twisted. He had one foot over the threshold when Roman spoke. A single word. A question. “Logan?” Asking where his boyfriend was, no doubt. And he sounded so heartbroken, as if it was _Logan_ he’d lost, and not both of his parents. Janus’ own heart broke for him, but he’d deny the tears in his own eyes. 

“I tried,” was all Janus could respond. Two words. That’s all it took to break Roman Reyes, to send him into a sobbing ball, slipping off the couch and to the floor, hitting his head on the coffee table on the way down. His sobs were loud, and yet, Janus had a sense that Roman hadn’t even registered the pain of the fall. _How could Logan just leave Roman like this?_ Janus didn’t even want to leave him for the ten-minute drive it would take him to go pick up Remus and bring him back. 

“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Janus repeated, more sad this time, turning away from Roman, feeling so, so heartbroken for him. He took a deep breath before stepping his other foot over the threshold. The door was open behind him for a moment. Janus looked over at Roman one last time. The boy was still curled into a ball. Disney Channel played in the background, but Roman’s eyes were buried in his knees, dripping tears like a river flowing. 

It took all of Janus’ willpower to close the door, praying to the God he didn’t believe in that Roman would be okay on his own for ten minutes. 


	2. Chapter 2

Roman had stopped crying at some point, but he was still curled up in a ball on the floor. His tears had soaked his jeans and stained his cheeks, but he made no move to wipe any of them away. His head remained buried in his knees, and Disney Channel still played in the background. He still wasn’t listening to it. He was lost in his own head. He was unaware of how much time had passed in the real world. 

It could have been days, it could have been five minutes, but all he knew was that the sound of the door knocking against the wall as it opened had jolted him slightly back into reality. Still, though, he didn’t look up. “Logan?” he called out, sounding heartbroken, completely and utterly destroyed. 

“'Fraid not,” Janus responded gently. “Just me and Remus.” Roman heard two sets of footsteps, then the closing of the door. Janus guided Remus to the couch, sitting him down and pressing a quick kiss to his lips, before kneeling next to Roman. “Come on, let’s get you washed up.” 

“Where’s Logan?” Roman asked. _How could his boyfriend still not be here?_

“He’s still at school. But let’s get you washed up so we can watch Disney movies, and he’ll be home before you know it.” Roman shook his head, the rough fabric of his jeans lightly scratching at his face. Janus sighed. He knew Roman wouldn’t go of his own accord. He did the only thing he could think of. 

He picked Roman up, and in Roman’s curled state, it was almost that Janus was carrying him bridal style. Roman didn’t have the heart to protest. He let himself be carried to the bathroom and set on the counter. “What do you want to watch, Roman?” Janus asked as he soaked a washcloth under the sink water. “I’ll tell Remus to put it on.” Roman shrugged his shoulders. He closed his eyes and Janus held up the wet rag. Janus wiped the tear tracks from Roman’s cheeks, as well as the corners of – and under – his eyes. 

The cool water felt nice on Roman’s skin, and it helped to pull him out of his mind a little more. “I grabbed your cookies from Patton. We should probably get out there before Remus eats them all,” Janus said. The dig at Remus was supposed to crack a smile out of Roman and cause Remus to protest from the other room. But it had neither of its desired effects. Janus sighed again. “Okay. Am I carrying you back out, or can you walk on your own?” Roman didn’t answer. “You just want me to carry you around like a princess.” Again, another dig meant to crack a smile out of Roman. But still, no dice. 

Janus picked Roman up again and sat him down on the opposite end of the couch from Remus, so he could sit in between them. Before he sat down, however, he grabbed the bag of cookies Patton had gifted Roman with from his backpack. “Remus, what do you want to watch?” Janus asked his boyfriend, who was staring at the screen (but Janus could tell he wasn’t actually taking any of the information in). Janus handed each of the boys a cookie, removing Roman’s phone from his hand and setting it on the coffee table to replace it with the cookie, and gently pulling open Remus’ mouth to stick half the cookie inside. 

Remus ate the cookie quickly, while Roman’s hand only tightened around his, cracking the hard cookie and sending crumbs cascading to the pale carpet. “I suppose I’ll pick the movie, then,” Janus said, popping another cookie in Remus’ mouth and gently unclenching Roman’s fist. 

But actually, Janus didn’t pick a movie. He let Disney Channel continue to run in the background as he fed his boyfriend more cookies, grabbed the brothers’ glasses of milk, and eventually just pulled the cookie out of Roman’s hand. He popped a cookie into Roman’s mouth to see if that would have the same effect as it had with Remus. Janus noticed it sit there for a while, but eventually, Roman finished it. And soon, the three of them had finished off the cookies. 

Remus appeared to be more himself, fueled by the sugar of the cookies, no doubt. He finished his glass of milk. He clung to Janus like a spiderweb, even as Janus got up to grab Remus another glass of milk and some cookies of their own from a cupboard. Janus gave his boyfriend a long, sweet kiss on the lips before pulling away and popping another cookie in Remus’ mouth. 

The kiss seemed to pull Remus further out of his slump, just as Janus thought it might. He just hadn’t felt entirely right about kissing Roman’s brother right in front of him – as if he couldn’t take a guess at what his parents had caught them doing last night. 

When Remus kissed Janus this time, all Janus could think was that Logan should have been there, helping his own boyfriend. He pulled away from Remus after a bit, but not without giving him another quick peck on the lips, as if in apology for something. 

“Watch your brother, will you?” Janus asked his boyfriend, who, while certainly downtrodden, seemed more himself. On the other hand, Roman had another cookie popped in his mouth, a full glass of milk sitting untouched, and another few tears rolling down his cheeks. 

Remus nodded in response, looking sad to see Janus go. “I’ll just be in my room, okay, my devil?” Remus had shot down the nickname “angel,” when they’d started dating, insisting he was far from that. Janus had called him a devil in response to a prank Remus had pulled on him, and that was the nickname that stuck, now being used fondly instead of accusatorily. 

Janus left the door to his room open so he could hear Roman and Remus – as if he was a babysitter and they were a couple of troublemaking kids. It wasn’t lunchtime, but he knew that Logan had him saved as an emergency contact. He would answer Janus’ call no matter whether or not he was in class. He just had to hope that his brother was swimming with guilt and wouldn’t hang up on him when he asked him to come home to stay with Roman, instead of telling him something like their parents had gotten into an accident. 

Janus selected Logan’s contact and hit call, before pressing his phone to his ear. He listened to it ring. And ring. And ring. And ring. He knew after the fifth ring, he would be sent to voicemail. But the fifth ring never came. Instead, it was Logan’s voice. 

“How’s Roman?” he asked, sounding regretful. 

“He’d be better if you were here,” Janus told him firmly. “Remus has come around as much as he can, and that’s because I, his _boyfriend_ , am here.” 

“I can’t just leave in the middle of the day.” 

“Roman _needs_ you, Logan. I understand you wanting to put your academics first, but at the same time, I hate you for it. Surely you regret it. Surely you can see that you’re _wrong_.” He knew his brother would admit no such thing. 

“I can’t just leave in the middle of the day,” Logan repeated. Janus sighed. 

“It’s probably for the best,” Janus lied, his tone changed. He knew Logan would pick up on this. He knew Logan would catch his bluff. Whether or not he would call him out on it and do something about it would remain to be seen. “After all, I’m sure I could call Patton from Roman’s phone and he’d catch the bus to come provide him comfort in a heartbeat. His arms, wrapped around Roman. His soft fingers, wiping away Roman’s tears. His soft fingers, wiping cookie crumbs from Roman’s lower lip. Patton staying at his side, letting Roman cling to him, maybe even pressing platonic kisses to Roman’s head. He seems the type. And I’m sure Roman would enjoy _any_ type of kisses, since you’re not very eager to provide them.” 

“Roman has agreed to take things at a speed I am comfortable with.” But there was a bite to Logan’s voice. Janus knew just what to say to make his brother tick. 

“Maybe I could drive him and Patton to Patton’s house, so Remus and I could have the house to ourselves. And who _knows_ what Roman and Patton could get up to in that pretty boy’s house. All alone...” 

“Roman wouldn’t cheat on me.” 

“Not in the right frame of mind, he wouldn’t. But as long as you stay at school, he stays in the _wrong_ frame of mind. Hell, if I weren’t dating his brother, _I_ could kiss him and he’d probably enjoy it. He’s fucking _touch-starved_ , Logan. He can respect your boundaries, but at the end of the day, if someone showers him with affection, he’ll fall in love with them.” 

“He’s not in love with Patton.” 

“He’s clearly devoted to you, sure, but after today? If you don’t come and show him that you love him, too, like you always have before? He'll start to doubt it. He’ll start to doubt _you_. And Patton will be there, arms open, and he’ll fall into them. You’ll lose Roman to Patton. _Forever_.” 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Don’t I?” Janus smirked. He could hear his brother seething on the other line. 

“Shut up.” Logan’s voice was biting. 

“Come here and make me,” Janus taunted in response, wearing a smirk so wide, he was sure Logan could hear it in his tone. And then, Logan sighed. 

“You’re right.” Logan sounded defeated. 

“I’m sorry, what was that? I couldn’t hear you.” Logan sighed. 

“You’re _right_ ,” he repeated, more firmly, still begrudgingly. And the sound Janus made in response? Well, Logan hated being on the receiving end of it. Remus and Roman’s ears metaphorically perked up at the sound. Roman made no move to check on him, but it did help to pull him out of his head a bit more. Remus, on the other hand, stood as if to go check it out. But then he turned his eyes towards his brother. 

His brother, who was staring at the TV but not actually watching what was happening. His brother, who sit as still as a statue, who might’ve have been mistaken for a statue if not for the tears streaking down his face. His brother, who had his mouth partway open. Open enough for another cookie. Remus did what Janus would have done, popping another cookie into Roman’s mouth. Then, he sat back down, kicking out his legs to knock his foot against his brother’s. No reaction from Roman. 

“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” Logan told Janus, before hanging up the phone abruptly. Janus was glad his brother had seen sense. He had a small smile on his face as he returned to the living room. Upon noticing him, Remus scooted over so Janus could take his place between the brothers again. 

“Hey, Roman,” Janus said in a sing-song voice, gently poking the boy’s shoulder. Roman still had half a cookie in his mouth, but Janus was sure he wouldn’t have gotten a response even if Roman’s mouth was empty. Still, he waited a moment, as if Roman would be curious enough to hear whatever Janus had to tell him to finish the cookie. “Logan’s on his way over here,” Janus told the boy more seriously. Roman’s eyes widened. In sadness? Hopefulness? Janus couldn’t tell. 

Roman finished the cookie, if only so he could utter one word: “Logan?” in the same heartbreaking tone he’d used the previous couple times he’d inquired about his boyfriend’s whereabouts. 

“He’ll be here soon.” Janus’ voice was gentle. He gave Roman a quick, one-armed hug. Then, he pulled away, planting a kiss on Remus’ lips that was reciprocated with eagerness, and yet, nothing like the eagerness it normally would have been. 

After Janus pulled away again, he was back to watching the brothers until Logan would arrive to take care of his boyfriend. 

*** 

Logan _tried_ to hurry. He really did. He rushed back into his classroom after hanging up the phone, grabbing his backpack and muttering a lie about a family emergency, even though the teacher hadn’t asked and probably didn’t care. He was _Logan Lehrer_ , for goodness sake. He was a-shoo-in to be valedictorian. The teachers didn’t have to worry about Logan missing a lesson, even if Logan thought he did. 

He ran back out of the classroom, dodging campus security officers as he wound his way to the front of the school. Even then, the coast wasn’t clear. It wasn’t clear until he’d ducked off the property, a few blocks away and around a corner. 

Despite the fact that his backpack was heavy as it banged against his back, and despite the fact that he was in no way athletic, Logan ran the whole mile and some to his house. He almost collapsed as he pushed open the front door. 

His hair was plastered against his forehead with sweat, with was beginning to trickle onto his glasses and down the sides of his face. He removed his backpack and shoes at the door. 

While his presence had been noticed by the other three occupants of the house, he had yet to notice them. He pulled off his glasses to wipe them on a handkerchief he kept in the pocket of his shirt specifically for moments like this. He used the same handkerchief to wipe at his face. He would have to remember to wash it later. For now... 

He squeezed between Janus and Roman on the couch, pulling his boyfriend into a tight hug, as if not wanting to ever let him go again. As if, if he let go, he might actually lose him to Patton. He tapped out “I love you” and his new code onto Roman’s skin. His wrist, his shoulder, his cheek. Roman still stared blankly at the TV. 

“Have you been feeding him cookies the whole time?” Logan asked, noticing the chocolate chip cookie poking out of Roman’s mouth. Janus nodded in response, already completely curled up around Remus like a boa constricting its victim. “And he hasn’t touched his glass of milk?” Janus shook his head. “Okay.” Logan had a better idea of the situation. Plus, he now had something to quench his thirst from his run. He was glad for that. He finished the glass quickly. 

“I think I’ll take him to my room,” Logan told Janus. 

“Can you carry him?” Janus asked in response, biting back a laugh. Logan shot him a glare. Logan answered Janus’ question by pulling Roman into his arms. And wow, was a whole person heavier than Logan expected. He shook on unstable limbs as he tried to stand. 

“I can do this,” Logan muttered. 

“You keep telling yourself that,” Janus replied with a smirk. Logan only glared again. He found his balance. He took slow, careful steps out of the living room and towards his bedroom. He laid Roman on the bed, before walking around to the other side and joining him. He pulled Roman into his arms. He continued to tap his patterns on Roman’s skin. 

“Hey, Sunshine,” Logan said gently. “Did you figure out what this one meant?” Logan tapped the four-letter pattern into Roman’s skin. “You’ve had a lot of time to think about it, and I can tell you’ve been thinking about a lot today. You were so determined to figure it out today.” There was no response from Roman. Logan didn’t want to look and see his blank stare. 

He was sure Roman had finished his cookie by now. Maybe he should have grabbed another pack of cookies for Roman. Except the sugar didn’t seem to help him like it clearly had Remus. _What else had Janus done?_

Well, he supposed he knew the answer to that. And Logan was doing as much as he was comfortable with on that front. He knew that Roman wouldn’t want him to make himself uncomfortable, even if it might lead to his boyfriend’s speedier “recovery.” _What else could he do, instead?_

Logan thought about it. He tackled it like a problem that needed to be solved. After all, every problem had a solution, and Logan had been able to find the solution to every problem he’d encountered previously. 

He continued to cuddle his boyfriend as he thought, tapping their codes into his skin and running his fingers through his hair. “How about we grab one of my Shakespeare books and do a read-through?” Logan proposed, fully aware of his boyfriend’s love of theatre. But still, there was no response. No matter how long Logan waited, desperately hoping. 

“How about...” Logan tried again, sometime later, “we raid my mom’s makeup drawers and you do my makeup?” That was something Roman had asked him to let him do after he’d learned how to do theatre makeup in his freshman-year theatre class. But it didn’t seem to have the same appeal to him now, if Roman’s silence was any indication. Logan returned to thinking. 

“I know your brother is the more destructive one, but maybe we could burn some stuff? We could raid your parents' house while they’re out working and we can burn your old schoolwork,” Logan proposed, desperation in his tone. He worried that he shouldn’t have mentioned Roman’s parents. And yet, Roman shifted in his arms. He hoped that was a good thing, and not a sign that he was retreating further into the maze of his mind. 

“Or maybe we could just burn some of mine?” Logan asked. “I’d be willing to sacrifice it for the greater good.” Roman shifted in Logan’s arms again. His voice was like a child’s when he spoke. 

“The Logan I know would never do that,” he said. 

“The Logan you know would do _anything_ to help you feel better,” Logan responded, tapping the four-letter pattern onto Roman’s skin again. “Even if that something is burning old assignments. Or maybe we could go up into the attic and hunt for some of my old drawings to burn. You could pretend you’re a pirate prince, burning evil documents an evil pirate had buried on an island.” Again, Roman shifted in Logan’s arms. He didn’t know if he was getting through to him. 

“Is the four-letter word ‘babe?’” Roman asked. _Was this a sign he was getting better?_

“Nope. Do you have any other guesses, Sunshine?” If Roman had other guesses, maybe that meant he’d found his way out of his metaphorical maze. But Roman was quiet. So maybe he was still stuck. Maybe he was _so_ close to the light, and Logan just needed to give him one final push. “Would you like another hint?” Logan waited for a moment, but only a tense silence filled the room. Logan didn’t know if he should give the hint or not. But if he did, maybe Roman would figure it out, and that would make him happy, and the word would make him happy... 

Logan would do anything to make Roman happy. “The last two letters are the same,” Logan told his boyfriend. He didn’t know if his words registered. He hoped that the silence was just his boyfriend thinking about it. But it was so silent, for so long, even as Logan continued stroking his boyfriend’s hair and tapping messages into his skin. 

“Glee?” Roman finally guessed. Maybe he really had been thinking it over. Logan hated to admit to his boyfriend that he still hadn’t gotten it, but he did. Almost immediately, Roman had another guess. He didn’t sound as eager to be guessing as he had that morning, but the fact that he was guessing at all was progress, Logan knew. “Miss?” 

“Still no, Sunshine.” Roman sighed softly. The room fell into silence as he went back to thinking. “You’ve got one last hint, if you’d like to take it.” The room was still silent. _Maybe Roman was considering his offer?_

After a while, Roman shook his head. The room fell into silence again, but not for long. “Can I?” Roman asked. _Had he figured out the word? Had he figured out the word and he was asking Logan if he could do what the word was?_

“Can you what?” Logan asked, just to be sure, though he sounded like a teacher correcting a student when he said it. The room was silent again, but only for a moment. 

“Kiss you?” Roman asked, as if he was afraid to be wrong, afraid that he was pushing Logan too far. Regardless, Roman turned in his arms, putting their faces only inches apart. Their breaths were warm. Logan wiped the tears from Roman’s eyes and face, tapping the four-letter word again Roman’s skin. 

“You’re right,” Logan whispered. But he hadn’t answered Roman’s question. He didn’t know how to answer it. 

“It’s okay to say no,” Roman said softly. He still didn’t sound quite himself, but he sounded better. He sounded like someone who was upset – and rightfully so – but managing it. And hey, at least he was speaking now. 

The room was only silent now, because Logan was thinking. _Was he ready to take this leap? And what if he didn’t like it?_ It had taken him so long to warm up to any kind of affection with Roman. Yes, they were cuddling and Logan was far from uncomfortable in Roman’s arms, but _what if he didn’t enjoy kissing?_

 _What if he didn’t enjoy kissing because he was still iffy about physical affection, but Roman had gotten a taste and now he was hooked, and he was so touch-starved that he couldn’t keep waiting for Logan to_ _feel_ _comfortable? What if he was so desperate for kisses that he left Logan and found someone new, someone who would give him all the kisses he wanted?_

“We don’t have to if you’re not ready,” Roman whispered kindly, his voice breaking through Logan’s thoughts. Roman could see his boyfriend’s inner turmoil in his eyes. 

“I don’t want to disappoint you,” Logan admitted, just as soft. 

“You could never disappoint me. If you’re not ready, that’s fine. I can keep waiting for you. I’ll always wait. As long as it takes. And if you just don’t happen to like kissing, that’s fine, too. I don’t love you because of the physical affection you provide me. I love you because you’re smart and pretty and absolutely perfect in my eyes. 

“I mean it when I say that we don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. If cuddling is all we ever do, even after we have our large, grand wedding-” 

“-Not large,” Logan interrupted. If Roman was monologuing, he must have been as better as he could be, given the circumstances. 

“-After we have our _small_ , grand wedding, that’s fine. It’ll always be fine. I love you exactly as you are, Logan. I want to kiss you because I love you, but if you’re only comfortable with the new code, I’m fine with just doing that, too. You don’t have to feel pressured to agree to kiss me, and you don’t have to feel pressured to enjoy it if you don’t.” Logan sighed. Roman’s words, while helping ease the turmoil in his mind somewhat, didn’t quite complete the puzzle of his feelings about the situation.

 _Maybe committing the action was the last piece he needed?_ He figured it couldn’t really hurt. If he was uncomfortable with kissing, he could stop. No one would get hurt. They would be alright. 

So then, why was he still so hesitant to agree? “Seriously, Lo,” Roman said softly, “it’s okay to say no. I won’t push you to do anything you don’t want to do. I promise I’ll be okay with whatever you decide to do.” 

“You wouldn’t be mad if you kissed me and I pushed you away because it was too much?” Logan asked. He sounded so insecure, and Roman’s heart broke a little for him. 

“I might be a little upset, but not for long. And I could never be mad at you.” Logan sighed. He still didn’t feel one-hundred percent on board with it, but he had no idea what else could possibly be missing to know whether he was comfortable with it or not except the experience. 

“Go ahead,” Logan said softly, the words seeming more like an exhalation. 

“Tell me at any point if it’s too much, okay, Lo?” Logan nodded. Roman cupped Logan’s head in his hands. He stroked his boyfriend’s cheeks lightly. He gave his boyfriend time in between both of the actions and time as he incrementally leaned his face closer to Logan’s. 

He stopped when they were so close Roman’s eyelashes could brush against the lenses of Logan’s glasses. Roman breathed in his boyfriend’s scent. He admired Logan’s bright blue eyes. Logan still made no move to push Roman away. Roman waited a little longer just in case. He knew the next step was pressing their lips together. He wanted to be sure he wasn’t pushing Logan too far, too fast. But he also didn’t want to speak up and ruin the moment that was so clearly fraught with tension. 

After waiting another long moment, Roman moved extra slowly before pressing his lips to Logan’s. He let his lips sit there for a long moment, waiting to see if Logan pulled away. Instead, he felt Logan’s lips curl up into a small smile against his own. Even if Logan decided to pull away then, Roman felt like he was on cloud nine. He hadn’t known that even _that_ from his boyfriend would make him happy. A smile formed on his lips, as well. 

Their smiles were pressed against each other’s for a long while before Logan broke the silence, his lips brushing against Roman’s as he spoke. “Are you going to kiss me or not, Sunshine?” Logan asked, breathless, with a teasing lilt. The sensation of brushing lips was close to kissing, Roman knew, so he waited another moment to see if Logan would pull away. He didn’t. 

So finally, like he’d been wanting to do for one year, four months, nine days, and counting, Roman kissed him passionately, holding Logan’s face gently, as close to his own as he could get it. Their lips moved together, soft and warm and a little wet. Logan’s hand ran through Roman’s hair, and he made no move to pull away. 

Neither of them pulled away until they needed to take a breath of air. Roman and Logan smiled at each other, breathless and so, so in love. “So?” Roman asked. “What’s the verdict?” Roman, himself, definitely felt better now. 

“I’d still like to use the code...” Logan began. Roman’s face fell, taking it as a 'please don’t kiss me ever again.' “But during times like this, when it’s just us... I think...” Logan seemed to have lost the words. But he knew exactly what he wanted, how he felt. He pressed Roman’s face closer to his and pressed their lips together again. 

**_~ • Fin • ~_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Logan isn't unsympathetic, you'll see. He just really needs to get his priorities straight.


End file.
